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Letters from Crystal Meth Users
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Mar
17Still Trying to Hold On
I'm a 20 yr. old female, although I feel I've already lived 100 yrs., experiencing more evils, destruction, pain, and sorrow than any person should know. When I was young, I was always the "GOOD ONE" outta the click. The one who always kicked it with the older crowds, but never did the things they did-the drugs, drinking, etc.
Well, obviously I'm here now, so that went out the door. I suppose hanging with those older crowds that I did, creped slowly into my mind and filled me with a false sense of bravery, and the balls to accept all the offers to hit the bowl, or take the pill. Now I can say I've tried almost everything there is, nothing to be proud of, by any means. I remember that first time I met that infamous and scandalous "TINA", I had actually found a drug that I enjoyed. It was only supposed to be a social thing, only doing it when I was with people who did it. Then I got a job, and had money to spend, and soon I found myself spending $50 outta every check to get a sack. I lost that job only months later, fallen victim to "TINAS" trifling ways. I went without work for 6 months, doing nothing but living the TWEEKERS life .my days turned to weeks and I had not eaten a thing, or slept a wink, just a couple of hour long rests to recharge my body.
Thinking I looked so hot in the mirror, that crystal courage seemed to me had given me a glow to my skin, looking full of life. I ended up becoming harsh, cold, and almost nonexistent to my family, I lived with my mother, yet I stayed gone for days. When I was home, I was locked up in my room, tending to my tweaking' needs, or sleeping for days on end, only waking up to stuff my face with the food I had deprived myself of for so long. My friends all starting going to jail taking away my "drug buddies" to get high with. So I started doing it by myself and soon after I realized that I was no longer in control of my life. "TINA" had taken over my life, and my mind, and thrown away the inspiration, excitement, eagerness to do anything at all. I thought I was lucky all my life, hanging' with the bad crowd, yet never once myself getting caught by the law.
Well, it was only inevitable; I spent the night in jail, domestic violence me and my mother. It had just blown up and my overridden, stolen soul had come full-blown out. That taught me a good lesson though, I had realized that I could lose control that I wasn't an exception to the "druggie" rule, and I too could get ugly. I still continued to use, searching for friends I could go hang out with in order for me to cure my cravings. I discovered I was pregnant, FELT FEAR AND DESPERATION. I'd be high the whole time, and I was already a couple months into it, so I was scared. I went against my parents' wishes, and kept the baby.
My first ultrasound would become the darkest, hardest experience ever. We discovered she had multiple serious, rare disorders. I never told the Dr.'s or my mom of my true thoughts, but I knew myself the cause of all that. At 5 months, I gave birth to my little girl, except there were no cries to hear, no smiles to see, she was dead.
I'm sharing this with you in hopes of making some people realize the effects. After I lost her, I started using again, losing all hopes and cares of what life brought me anymore. So it's only been a few months since then, and here I am. At least now I know how to use in moderation, and not overstepping the boundaries I've learned I had before. Although "TINA" is still the love of my life, the one that makes me happy, keeps me company, holds me close. This relationship we have is SICK and twisted, and completely dysfunctional. I still use, I admit, even right now.
Over these years of darkness, I've experienced and seen SO many disheartening, painful, horrible things. It's been a HUGE roller coaster of good and evil, fun and despair. But I will say to you, that I would not take back any of it, b/c all the ROUGH times I've lived, has made me the person I am today. I'm more intelligent, wise, more open-minded and understanding, more sympathetic to those like me, and more. I've been able to see the faults of my father, forgiving him for his own substance abuse and realizing now that he's got hepatitis C.
I know I've got to forget all that past and love him for being my dad. I had realized struggling day after day through my own addiction, understanding why he was the way he was. I would like to be able to rid "TINA" out of my life, I'm sick of her hurting me, killing me slowly, messing with my head, stealing my brain and my soul, ruining my social life, keeping me from working, and living a happy life. But sorry to say, I've also been robbed of my willpower and my strength. Right now, I'm stuck . wanting to live a normal life but I've lived this life for 2 years now, and I wouldn't be right sober, I wouldn't feel right, I'd feel lost and bored.
So I guess I'll keep tweaking, trying to maintain whatever since of normally I can, and hope one day I'll find the strength to kick this madness to the curb. Unfortunately, I think I've already sustained significant damage to my body I'm almost positive I've got some sort of kidney infection, b/c every time I so a lot of "TINA" unbearable sharp pains starts. My back molars and teeth have been eaten to the point of massive cavities in them. I have absolutely NO energy to do anything much more strenuous than walking to my car. I have insomnia now, depression, MAJOR anxiety, KONSTANT TWITCHING and shaking, cold and hot flashes.
My brain is probably mooch, b/c I have no memory at all, my thoughts get interrupted by silence, like my brain just turns out the light. I have fatigue, an eating disorder and SO many more issues now b/c of this scandalous, evil drug.
SO I JUST WANTED TO WRITE THIS, SHARING MY STORY TO HELP USERS KOPE, KNOWING THEY'RE NOT THE ONLY ONES OUT THERE. AND ALSO TO SEND A BRUTAL MESSAGE TO OTHERS OF HOW DESTRUKTIVE THIS DRUG IS .SO TAKE IT FROM A TRUE ADDICT AND DONT LET YOURSELF GO. IF YOU HAVENT EVER TRIED THE INFAMOUS "TINA"/KRYSTAL METH, THEN I STRONGLY ADVISE YOU NOT TO TOUCH IT, ONE TIME, AND YOUR LUCKY IF THAT DOESN'T GET YOU HOOKED..
Update
Hey, I'm Lindsey. I sent an entry just over a year ago and I was still in active addiction using ice. I'm now almost 6 months clean and attending NA meetings just about every night. i just re-read my last entry and that really brought me back down to reality. It was titled "This is my life: still trying to hold on" on page 2 of the users letters. Reading what I had wrote previously really brought back the memories of the horror this disease of addiction brought me and made me remember where I came from before this program. I'm just writing this to let people still using ice and other drugs know that there is hope to get off and stay off meth.
The statistics aren't in our favor, but I'm living proof that's its possible if you just try and want it bad enough. That's the thing about the NA program that I'm a part of, it doesn't work unless you want it.
As I said before, I've been clean for 6 months coming up on September 25, 2004 and I feel so much better about my life and myself now that I've stopped doing ice. My life is dramatically improved, but I must be honest in saying this. I do still crave and want and desire to use ice sometimes, but I just have to realize by doing things like looking over this website and remembering the old times, I know that using is not where I want to be in my life anymore.
Why live that way? I don't know if I'll ever use again. I can't say I will or I won't for sure, but I do know that using again isn't in my future plans, and that I hope and pray that I don't have to go back out to that hell I was living in ever again. So I'm writing this to show that if you read my first entry that I named above and then read this only a year later. IT CAN GET BETTER IF YOU WANT IT BAD ENOUGH! You just have to look for the help, and get your strength back to stand up for yourself and fight back against your addiction and there will be hope once again.
Lindsey, Alabama
8 Responses to Still Trying to Hold On
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Emma
August 8th, 2011
I have read so many different experiences people have been through because of meth and how they've recoverd but this is the the one story that I can relate to almost to a T. I've done almost every drug in the book, and I can honestly say this is the drug that got me and I know I'm addicted to. It makes me want to cry because I never thought id become addicted to ANYTHING because I have a strong mind. But this is not a drug that you can control with your own mind.its honestly the devil and possesses you. I have donevso much research now on this drug after I'm already hooked. And there's no happy ending if you decide your gonna use its honestly: DEATH or PRISON. I don't want that and you just made me feel a lot better about really pushing hard and quitting. Because I bang meth and that rush is what keeps me going back for more. So thank you so much.
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Bruce
October 17th, 2011
Well ,first I would like to say God Bless you folks,I was addicted to meth for about 10 yrs.I satarted when it was crank,then crystal and finally Ice.well it just gets worse,thank the Lord I never shot it but that makes me no better than you,but I have seen folks do it and I have listened to them,and they say it is the best. Well enough about it ,I just would like to tell you good folks there is hope in Jesus.I was desperate and truly surrendered my heart to Christ in A Holiness<King James Bible beleving church ,and The good Lord removed my desires from all Drugs,and all the devils tools, 2.5 yrs sober and A witness to all for the Lord.I truly Pray for all the good people this drug has and will get A hold of because it is no joke ,but you can overcome with the Lord.I love all of you with the love of God,you are and always will be good people,remember that above all,for help contact holiness missions to america,and someone will help you.Please remember there is hope in Jesus.
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Danny N
October 19th, 2011
I think it's great that you made the life choice of getting clean and sober. I was a meth addict for 6 years. At the time of writing this I have been clean and sober for 11 and a half months. I too lost a child to meth addiction, although, she's alive and well, she was taken away from me by CHild Protection authorities when she was just a month old. Thankfully she was placed with my aunt and uncle and has been living with them for the last 7 years. I'm grateful that I can say I'm now in a position to get her back because I'm clean and sober. It's amazing how much you can destroy in just 6 years of full out addiction. Yes, many things I've done while in my addiction I will always regret, but I can also tell you that no matter what I achieve for the rest of my life, I will never be as proud of myself than I am for getting clean and sober. I will never be as thankful for anything (besides my family) than I am for my sobriety. So much good has come from sobriety. My very best advice to addicts is: just try to stop long enough to start seeing the VALUE of sobriety. For some people it takes a month or longer, but I promise you that so much good, joy and hope will come the longer you stay clean. True happiness and potential is sitting there waiting for you on the other side. You just have to cross over and once you start to see the VALUE OF SOBRIETY, you won't want to let it go. At the very least, you give yourself a fighting chance against relapse. At the very least, the decision to relapse will be a difficult one that will bring about feelings of fear and hesitation. Be strong everyone. It's never too late. I promise you that.
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Nicole
November 17th, 2011
Hi, I wanted to put my story out there as well, so here goes... I'm 30 years old and have been doing meth since I was a 21-year-old college student. I'm not your stereotypical tweeker and amongst fellow tweeker friends and acquaintences, in their eyes, I am a rare case. I began using on a consistent basis when my dad passed away in May 2002. My dad was my world - I never got along with my mom. Even sober I never felt close to my mom - my dad was the favorite parent. The day he died I was a complete wreck. I was a sophomore in college at the time and had tried meth once or twice with my best friends, who in high school were the "potheads." I on the other hand was the overachiever. I graduated highschool with honors even being a bonified "stoner chick" since the age of 16. I played on the varsity volleyball team, was active in high school clubs, etc. Yes, I was a goody-two-shoes, and still am to this very day.
My addiction to meth came at a time in my life when I was coming into my own - it was a pivotal time in my life, the tender age of 21 - not quite a teenager anymore but not quite a full-fledged adult either. When I started to use more and more, I began to use it to enhance my knowledge and understanding of people, like analyzing their quirks and personalities, finding out who they really were just by the information they gave me during normal conversations we would have. I am a classic introvert by nature and I also found that meth made me grow a pair of balls (so to speak) when it came to social gatherings, for example. Being an academic-type of person, being sober while my dad was still alive was normal - I always strived to "wow and dazzle" him with my good grades not because I was expected to - but because I wanted to - that's the difference. I also happen to be naturally artistic and as a child, had tested "gifted" in elementary school. I have a good head on my shoulders, I get along with pretty much anyone I meet or get introduced to - so based on the information I just divulged, why would someone like me become heavily dependent on meth? Well, I'll tell you....I am what others have deemed as a "functioning addict" - one who uses the effects of a drug to enhance their talents and skills. I've also been told that being a functioning addict, I would have the hardest time in quitting the drug because I use it in a more positive aspect. Not that I am justifying my meth use, because I am very well aware and have been aware how disgusting it is that someone like myself has a weakness that is now strong, that my everyday use has become an expectation - not a once or twice kind of thing. I still have all my teeth - 9 years of tweeking practically everyday and my teeth are just fine. I have it all down to a science, and that's the crazy insane part of my struggle with meth - I am able to have an accurate and heightened sense of intuition about everything and everyone - this skill has been perfected over the course of 9 years, but I rarely read a person wrong unless they are the type of person I have not had any experience in dealing with in my past. Well, changing the subject now.... I want to now disclose that I graduated college despite the major life changing moment I experienced when my dad died - I never took a break from school when that happened. I just wound up immersing myself in my studies while also immersing myself deeper and deeper into an every-day addiction problem that I still carry with me to this day. I graduated college in 2005, earned my bachelor degree in Business Administration/Marketing and have never had a problem with holding down a job while tweeking balls. I can maintain my outward persona with bosses, co-workers, corporate executives - I truly live a double life. At home, I tweek balls to get the house as clean as can possibly be. I know that this reason, alone is kinda lame but you know what? It makes me enjoy housework a lot more (that's for sure!) I have also found that my artistic talents are increased 10-fold - I am able to concentrate better on a project and see it through to the end, granted if I had enough meth to save up for the next day and the next day, etc. At this point in time in my life, at 30 years old, I am beginning to become worried that this drug will inevitably become the death of me in some way or another ' my entire family, my husband, co-workers, bosses, acquaintances?.they are all completely oblivious to the fact that I am a walking contradiction of sorts. They see me as I have made them see me ' the same old over-achiever, the smart one, the one who's 'got it all.' Little do they know that I have been struggling in silence for practically 10 years and see no signs of quitting anytime soon ' only because it gives me the energy to do the things I want to do and enhance the natural talents and gifts I was blessed with at a higher level than most could ever realize. It gives me the same motivation that my dad always gave me ' in a way, it's as though it took the place of my dad in a sense. If you follow what I just said?great!
If not, well, go back to the beginning of this post and read it slower so you can understand. =) So, to wrap this up, I thank you for taking the time to read through my rare-case scenario and make the attempt to identify with my unique case. I'm sick of spending $ on meth - I'm sick and tired of all the aftereffects like the feeling of being "cracked out" when you havent eaten a decent meal in a few days and have been getting by with coffee and coffee cakes from the local convenient store every morning before I head on my morning commute to work. That's another point too I almost forgot to mention - I have always been able to hold down a job for long periods of time and have never been fired or questioned or anything...just wanted to mention that too for you to see another aspect of how I am a unique "tweeker'; chick....I'm scared and too proud to get help - I could never come out and admit that I have a drug problem to my family or my husband...I always told myself when I was younger that its "mind over matter" that I can shake any type of addiction because I wouldn't let myself become 100% dependent on it - well 10 years after the fact, I don't see eye to eye with that statement so much anymore - and that is what I have been living with (it's all inside my head) for the last 10 years....If anyone out there can identify with my unique case then share your similarities on this website just as I have - I refuse to believe that I am the only kind of functionng tweeker out there in the world..Wish me luck and pray for me to find a way to kick this dirty habit on my own - that's the missing piece of the puzzle for me... -
Kass N Lenn
October 5th, 2013
Nicole, you are not alone. My name is Kassandra I am 32 years old, and me and my husband Lenny are also what is referred to as "functioning addicts." After reading what you wrote, we couldn't help but to feel exactly the way you do. I have been an addict for 14 years, sad to say, and have been struggling with it ever since. Like you, my husband and I attend college and are studying for our bachelors in social services, how ironic right? Imagine that, a couple of "meth heads" as social workers. But in all honesty all we want to do is make an impact on the youth and advocate for those who fall helpless to the drug, giving them hope that although they are addicts, they can do positive thing in their lives. I couldn't believe that much of what you said, had really hit home. With that being said, you have our prayers for you to overcome your addiction, as we will also need your prayers. Nicole, God bless and the best of luck! -KASS n LENN
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Allison
July 16th, 2012
I'm currently in treatment for my first time. Officially court ordered for 2 pending possession charges of meth, morphine, and a rig...I feel as though I am doing this sobriety thing for myself, but other times at my weakest day I feel like Im just dangling on both sides of the fence. How can I gain and have control of MYSELF and maintain a good sense of WILLPOWER?! Am I honestly READY to stop? I was a whole hearted commited IV user to this horrific, yet beautiful disaster of a drug.....i'm lost.
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Michelle
August 7th, 2014
Hi, I'm still struggling I'm 48yrs old almost 49, I've been on meth for over 20 yrs . Started out doing lines and smoking then went to firing it. Stopped firing meth for about 2 to 3 years now but still smoke it. My addiction has been what one might call a hard core user I'm not saying that in any way bragging or proud. I was a hard core junkie for about 15 years . Thought I'd never quit using the needle but I did somehow have managed to escape any hard time or become a felony . Which I thank God for that everyone says it's not a physical dependency but it is . My body depends on it . Without it my body goes through what I call electrical shock, feels like I'm being zapped with small charges of electricity , I have reduced my intake of meth by 3/4 percent . I admit been in bed most of the week got out today and went and found someone to smoke just a little with me and feel ok think it's possible to wing myself off just missed out on a good job cause they hair test back to 6 months knew I wouldn't pass so just didn't go back no phone call nothing. Now for some history on me my entire life even before meth always took some kind of something to help get me going efferdrine and coffee or pharmacy speed . I also know a lot of people like myself that seems like when they quit using wasn't long before they died any feed back on that some say that the truely long term hard core users that the shit (meth) that's what a lot around me call meth ,the (shit) ! Is what's actually been keeping them alive maybe a study needs done on that aspect of it a lot of corners they (being the researchers) haven't researched yet! Maybe just maybe that is one of the long term effects of using meth for a long period of time maybe it's like insulin stop taking it and the result is death ! Almost scared to quit scared I'll die and don't laugh or say what an excuse does anyone know or can any one relate to what I'm saying . Anything sound familiar to anyone out there .
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Jessica
August 9th, 2015
Your initial post brought me to tears. I could have said I wrote it myself because I'm exactly where you were.. I lost my baby due to a birth defect in my uterus.. And my dad was and I'm pretty sure is an addict but I have learned to forgive him as well.. He has hepatitis b.. And just last year I lost my favorite person in the entire world.. We were cousins but we're meant to be twins.. We did everything together.. And I mean EVERYTHING.. She was taken from me by a man who shot her in her own home.. I know some part of me wants to get clean I just don't have the strength to do it but your story really touched me because it was so relatable.. You inspired me.. I hope one day I will get the strength to get and stay clean too.. I hope everything is still going well for you..
